Si vous parcourez détaillants de jouets sexuelsVous pouvez trouver une variété de produits de chasteté: à partir de périphériques métalliques avec une serrure et une clé sur des appareils intelligents qui peuvent être contrôlés via une application. Et, presque tous ces appareils sont destinés aux hommes.

Qu’est-ce que la chasteté Kink?

Chastety Kink est un large spectre, allant des préliminaires, où une personne pourrait s’abstenir de sexe ou être enfermée dans un appareil physique pendant une courte période, à un style de vie complet, où les clés (littérales) vers la liberté sexuelle d’un gars sont contrôlées par un partenaire pendant des jours, des semaines ou même des mois à la fois.

Quel est l’attrait de verrouiller vos parties génitales dans une cage, demandez-vous? Pour beaucoup d’hommes, les normes de genre peuvent entraîner une énorme pression pour se comporter de certaines manières – et une chasteté comme un pli peut être une évasion sûre de cela, explique Gigi Engle, éducatrice sexuelle certifiée et auteur de All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “It comes, in part, from a desire to give over control, to escape from your role,” she says. “One of the reasons this kink is so popular, but still taboo, is that we’re afraid of that dynamic, we’re afraid, still, of female control and dominance.”

This subversion of traditional gender norms can be appealing to women, too. Professional domme Shira says that she appreciates that the kink challenges patriarchal ideas around sex—that it gives the control (literally and psychologically) to the woman. Shira is a “keyholder” which means she keeps the keys of the chastity devices of a number of her male clients—she also enjoys the kink in her spare time with her partner.

And while it may seem like a contradiction, many fans of male chastity say that abstaining from sex, or taking their penis out of the equation, has made their sex lives better. That’s because “sex” doesn’t just mean penis-in-vagina anymore; they’ve gotten creative and discovered new ways to experience pleasure.

How do you talk to your partner about trying a chastity cage?

Opening up about a desire can be difficult, particularly if the desire goes against common social standards and you’re not sure how your partner will respond. “I think you have to make a calculation,” says Kenneth Play, a sex educator and founder of the Sex Hacker Pro video series. “It’s okay to do that math and weigh up your desires against the potential stigma level. I think people need to think about the worst-case scenario, and play through how they might feel if their partner does respond badly.”

And what if that worst-case scenario comes true (i.e., a partner balks at the idea)? “I think we can consider ourselves very lucky if we have a partner who completely accepts us, but it’s important to remember that forcing compatibility can be harmful, too,” Play says. He adds that if a partner isn’t interested in exploring a kink with you, you could discuss ethical nonmonogamy, or talk about finding a compromise that you are both comfortable with.

Abby Moss is a London-based freelance journalist specializing in sex and relationships.